Can I just start by saying how ridiculous I think grades are? I mean seriously. Everything is based off of our grade. The difference between an A and a C could be the difference between middle class and upper class. And I think it's ridiculous. Especially the grading system. a 50 or lower is an F. 50% should not be failing. You got 50, that's greater than 0! and plus, who knows if they gave their 110% and they still only get 50. You're going to label them a failure? what do you think that does to us? it shows us that no matter what we give, whether it be 25% or 105% we'll never be good enough and if we'll never be good enough, then why try? why waste your energy on something you'll just get a bad score on. My brother is smart and always aced his quizzes and tests, but didn't turn in one homework assignment. He got an F. He knew the material! but, he didn't do the homework, so he's labeled a failure in that class. He's not a failure, he just didn't want to do your stupid assignment. Grades don't measure our intelligence, not at all. They measure how lazy or proactive we are! I could get exactly how to do the assignment, but just not want to do it. Does that mean i'm dumb? No, it just means i'm lazy! or i didn't have time, or i had 7 other classes i had to worry about and yours was not at the top of the list! Think about bill gates and Steve jobs. Mark Zuckerberg. All drop-outs. Yet, they are considered successful?  Why is that? I don't get it. I hate it. But, I guess that's the society we live in. This video describes my thoughts perfectly.

One Group

Okay, so, school is on Tuesday. How exciting. My schedule has been so complicated! On Monday I audition, for the second time, for choir at school. I made it in to Bravo, but it does not work with my schedule, so I am trying to see if I can make it into Accapella. I'm only a sophomore and she had plenty of other juniors and seniors that are wanting into Accapella. I'm really hoping this works out. Plus, if it does my sister still has her dress from last year so we wouldn't need to pay for the dress that's $50. My sister is getting married in November so that's new. Things are going pretty good I guess. Everybody is really stressed about the wedding. Ugh. I feel like an idiot. There's this guy I liked (I know, who would've thought I'd blog about a guy) But, I got really annoying and I was kind of depressed at that point and I think he noticed. Plus I was just really dramatic and what not, but all I've tried to do is be his friend because he was a good friend. We never really talked at school though, but I feel like I've gotten past the awkward avoidance's and he hasn't. it's like he wants nothing to do with me, which you know is fine, but tell me. Don't just leave me guessing maybe it will change. Hoping it will change. When it won't. and maybe i'm stupid for thinking that, but that's how I feel. I don't know what to do. I want to make new friends, it's high school for Pete's sake! but, for some reason i'm not wanting to branch out or anything that i'm "supposed" to do in High school so I just don't know. I'm not like your normal girl. I don't like Justin Beiber, or One Direction or any popular boys band, but i'm not great at sports or skills like that. I like singing and acting, but I feel like I don't belong any where, in any group. Why do I make things more complicated then they need to be? i'm 15 years old I just need to be a teenager. Have fun. I guess that means feeling like an outcast at times. Well, I guess I don't know the next time i'll blog so I'll leave you with this. Don't Change. You'll find your group, even if it's just a group of one.

"...the love we think we deserve."

Whoo, so, school is out and 10th grade is just around the corner. A new school and new peers. I really am excited... though it probably doesn't show in my voice. I'm taking quite a few "new" classes that i'm quite excited for. I'm taking Woods 1 and Drama 3 along with some others. It's funny how my goal throughout middle school was always straight A's and now I'll accept a C. Sure, I still STRIVE for an A, but it's not very realistic and I won't work very hard for it. As many events have been happening in my life, there's much to be grateful for and much to mourn on. Aj, My brother, has left for Basic Training in SC. It's hard being without him since our bond was getting stronger. My sister is leaving also. That leaves me. 15 year old, clueless me. I've come a long way in my life, some of it for the better, and some...not so much. I'm struggling.   I look for the day when things will turn up and look better in my life... and sometimes it seems as if it's just me feeling sad and depressed over nothing. I think I turn my depression into anger. I don't ever tell any body how i'm feeling. I don't cry and sometimes I feel as if my lack of emotions is building up inside of me. I'm just a ticking bomb waiting to explode, but I never do... and it's affecting me. If people only knew the struggles that people go through I think we all would look at each other differently. I've recently auditioned for a couple things too. I auditioned for Musical Theater, Acting Up!, and Shrek the musical, didn't make one. I feel like giving up, I want to so bad. I love it so much! but what's the point in even trying?  Nothing really seems to be going "right" in my life. I'm so lost and lonely, but of coarse, me being me, I won't let anyone in, won't tell them how much I want to be comforted. I've given up already, but I guess I just won't admit that. I won't admit defeat, because that's what it is. I will keep trying, keep living, and keep striving.

Fud Nud

Hello Blog, I know last times post was a big downer and I was mad and confused and I still am. What I didn't say was that basically all my friends were leaving me. I was losing all my friends and that sucked. I am going to admit something to you right now. I lie to people about my life so they don't see how sad and depressed I am. When I'm texting people, I'll make something up just for attention I am an attention hog! And I didn't realize it until about last month. I seek the approval of everybody and so I change who I am to get that approval. But, no more. This year I'm not going to be that attention seeking drama queen. I'm going into high school and like I said before I need to grow up! When I talked to guys it was always flirting and let's see what I can get him to say to me, but I'm tired of that. I'm not scared anymore. Two months later and I feel like a have my friends back. I can talk to them normally just be myself and talk to them not always trying to say the funniest things or the flirtiest(?) things. I'm done with that I am my own person now that isn't going to rely on some dwindled down invisible personify that isn't there. I do mean for this to be a happy post though because I'm finally accepting it. I'm a pushover and I was an attention seeker, but what matters now is that I'm done with all that. And I hope to become a better person through this. My progression will probably be slow since this is how I've lived my whole life but I don't want it anymore. It's Sunday today and it's snowing and with that snow comes a pure conscience, a fresh start.

2013

Wow, so I haven't posted on this in a really long time. Let's start with an updated picture. So obviously I'm now blonde and instead of barely going into 7th grade, I am now going into 10th this year. It's time to grow up  and that sucks, but it's true. Life isn't some great place where you'll have tons of friends and everything will be perfect. If only I had the attitude I had back then. It sucks, guys are going to reject you and that's a fact. Not all guys will and you may have to wait a long time for that, but it'll happen. Right now the state I'm in is denial and depression, I act happy at school, but on the inside I'm hurt and I'm frustrated and I'm stressed. Back in 7th grade I had my "clique" they weren't the nicest and still aren't today, I'm glad I got away from that, but it's hard to branch out and get new friends.I have a job that pays well and I am enjoying it a lot so far. I'm currently in the production The Music Man. There are so many things I could be grateful for, but I can't. When somebody gives you a broken watch how could you be "grateful"? You can't look at it and go "Somebody gave me a watch, at least I have a watch even though it's broken." Things don't work like that. I hate to have my first post be such a downer, but I was innocent and naive, blinded to worldly ways. The corruption and deceit. I used to care so much about staying home going to a local college and just being the drone everybody else wants me to be, but that's not what I want. I want to move away from this place, be on my own, I want to go to Manhattan School of Music. I don't want to have some ordinary job. I want to explore and I want to do it alone. Yes, I'll go on a mission, because that's what I want to do, but after I get home I don't want to get married, I want to have a life! The moment I turn 18 I'm an adult and that's when my real life begins, 21 years and I've done nothing? That's not how I want it to have been,  I want to perform. I want experience. When I'm done with my own adventure, then I can have an "our life" I want to get married. Maybe the problem isn't getting married,  because I can still do all those things with my husband, but maybe it's with starting a family. The moment you have kids, it's no longer your life, it's our life. You are responsible for more then just you. That's why I don't get why teenagers get pregnant, they have their whole life's ahead of them and then it all stops as soon as they have that baby. Maybe next post won't be so down, but I needed to get that off my chest. I hope you all have a wonderful week.