Fud Nud

Hello Blog, I know last times post was a big downer and I was mad and confused and I still am. What I didn't say was that basically all my friends were leaving me. I was losing all my friends and that sucked. I am going to admit something to you right now. I lie to people about my life so they don't see how sad and depressed I am. When I'm texting people, I'll make something up just for attention I am an attention hog! And I didn't realize it until about last month. I seek the approval of everybody and so I change who I am to get that approval. But, no more. This year I'm not going to be that attention seeking drama queen. I'm going into high school and like I said before I need to grow up! When I talked to guys it was always flirting and let's see what I can get him to say to me, but I'm tired of that. I'm not scared anymore. Two months later and I feel like a have my friends back. I can talk to them normally just be myself and talk to them not always trying to say the funniest things or the flirtiest(?) things. I'm done with that I am my own person now that isn't going to rely on some dwindled down invisible personify that isn't there. I do mean for this to be a happy post though because I'm finally accepting it. I'm a pushover and I was an attention seeker, but what matters now is that I'm done with all that. And I hope to become a better person through this. My progression will probably be slow since this is how I've lived my whole life but I don't want it anymore. It's Sunday today and it's snowing and with that snow comes a pure conscience, a fresh start.

2013

Wow, so I haven't posted on this in a really long time. Let's start with an updated picture. So obviously I'm now blonde and instead of barely going into 7th grade, I am now going into 10th this year. It's time to grow up  and that sucks, but it's true. Life isn't some great place where you'll have tons of friends and everything will be perfect. If only I had the attitude I had back then. It sucks, guys are going to reject you and that's a fact. Not all guys will and you may have to wait a long time for that, but it'll happen. Right now the state I'm in is denial and depression, I act happy at school, but on the inside I'm hurt and I'm frustrated and I'm stressed. Back in 7th grade I had my "clique" they weren't the nicest and still aren't today, I'm glad I got away from that, but it's hard to branch out and get new friends.I have a job that pays well and I am enjoying it a lot so far. I'm currently in the production The Music Man. There are so many things I could be grateful for, but I can't. When somebody gives you a broken watch how could you be "grateful"? You can't look at it and go "Somebody gave me a watch, at least I have a watch even though it's broken." Things don't work like that. I hate to have my first post be such a downer, but I was innocent and naive, blinded to worldly ways. The corruption and deceit. I used to care so much about staying home going to a local college and just being the drone everybody else wants me to be, but that's not what I want. I want to move away from this place, be on my own, I want to go to Manhattan School of Music. I don't want to have some ordinary job. I want to explore and I want to do it alone. Yes, I'll go on a mission, because that's what I want to do, but after I get home I don't want to get married, I want to have a life! The moment I turn 18 I'm an adult and that's when my real life begins, 21 years and I've done nothing? That's not how I want it to have been,  I want to perform. I want experience. When I'm done with my own adventure, then I can have an "our life" I want to get married. Maybe the problem isn't getting married,  because I can still do all those things with my husband, but maybe it's with starting a family. The moment you have kids, it's no longer your life, it's our life. You are responsible for more then just you. That's why I don't get why teenagers get pregnant, they have their whole life's ahead of them and then it all stops as soon as they have that baby. Maybe next post won't be so down, but I needed to get that off my chest. I hope you all have a wonderful week.